im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
