nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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