I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
