Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
