Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize