the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
