at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
