Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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