My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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