So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize