Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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