Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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