If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
