someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
