Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
