Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
