Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
