New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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