Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Drunk is not a location!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
