so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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