i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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