You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
