I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
