Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
