Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
