It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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