Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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