There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
