I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Randomize
