do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
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