hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
