oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
