i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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