we're chasing vodka with high fives
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
