Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
