I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
