i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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