Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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