the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
