My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
