I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
