I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
birth control should be required to get into college
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Randomize
