What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
