if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
