My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
