why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
