I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
