my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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