I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
