do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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