my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
