So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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