do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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