Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
