party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Randomize
