Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
