dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so let's talk penis.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
