i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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