I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
